It is Saturday 31 October, it has been dark since about five, and the doorbell has gone three times before anybody has picked up the remote. These are six Halloween films and shows for when one of you hates horror, with an honest note on how frightening each one actually is and where it streams in the UK. One of you wants the real thing. The other wants a blanket and the big light on.
The clocks went back the Sunday before, on the 25th, so the evening started at teatime and has no intention of ending. There is a bowl of sweets by the front door that is mostly being eaten by the two of you between knocks. Somebody has to choose something. Nobody wants to be the one who chose wrong.
How to split the night without a row
The usual approach is that the keener person picks, the other one sits through it with their knees up, and the sulk runs until about Bonfire Night. There is a better way, and it is not complicated.
- The one who hates horror sets the ceiling. Not a ban, a limit: jumps are fine, gore is not, or the other way round. Say it before anything is on.
- Take turns. One for the fan, one for the other one, and repeat. The list below runs in that order, so there is nothing to negotiate.
- Put the strongest thing last. If the hater has had enough by then, they leave the room with their dignity and a cup of tea, and nobody calls it losing.
- Finish on something you both like. The night ends on whatever you watched last, so make that one shared.
None of this is new. The longer case for taking the decision out of the room is in the case against arguing over the remote, and shows for couples who disagree covers the year-round version of the same standoff. Halloween just raises the stakes, and lowers the lighting.
What do you watch when one of you hates horror?
Six picks, alternating between proper horror and the Halloween stuff that is more fun than fear. Each comes with a line for the fan and a line for the other one. The hardest one is fifth, on purpose, and the last is an honourable mention to end on together.
Carrie
Mike Flanagan's eight-part go at the Stephen King story, all of it on Prime Video since 7 October. For the fan, it builds to exactly the night you are hoping for. For the other one, it is mostly an unsettling drama about a teenager having a very bad term, and the scares are rationed rather than constant.
Ghosts
The BBC sitcom about a crumbling country house and the dead residents who came with it. For the fan, it is the palate cleanser between the proper stuff. For the other one, it is the safest half hour on this list: the ghosts are the jokes, and nothing jumps out at anybody.
Halloween
The original, named after the night itself, and the film every slasher since has borrowed from. For the fan, it is homework you will enjoy. For the other one, it is tense rather than gory, and the dread does more work than the shocks. On iPlayer until 2028.
Shaun of the Dead
A British zombie comedy in which the plan, broadly, is to go to the pub. For the fan, there is a real zombie film under the jokes. For the other one, it is a comedy first, though it does turn properly grisly towards the end, so keep the blanket within reach.
The Substance
The strong stuff, and it is fifth for a reason. Body horror at full volume, with several scenes you will not be able to unsee. For the fan, this is the main event. For the other one, honestly, this is the night to run a bath. On iPlayer since 2 October.
Practical Magic
Honourable mention
The honourable mention, and the one you finish on together. Witches, a family curse and more knitwear than menace. For the fan, it is a Halloween film with no horror in it, which they will survive. For the other one, it is the reward for getting through card five.
The six, in depth
Carrie leads because it is the one you can both actually watch. Mike Flanagan made it for Prime Video as an eight-episode series, and Amazon put all eight episodes out on 7 October, so there is no waiting for next week. It is Stephen King, so it does go where you expect. Getting there takes a while, though, and most of the running time is a slow, uncomfortable drama about being a teenager. The fan gets the payoff. The other one gets a story worth sitting through.
Ghosts is the BBC's own, made here and on iPlayer, and it is about as frightening as a draughty hallway. It is a sitcom first and a ghost story a distant second. Put it on early, while the doorbell is still going, because nobody minds pausing a half hour of comedy to hand over a fistful of sweets.
Halloween is the 1978 original, on iPlayer until 2028, which means it costs nothing beyond the licence fee you are already paying. It is a slow, patient film. There is a man in a mask, a quiet town and a lot of waiting, and the waiting is the frightening part. Anyone who has only seen the sequels will be surprised how little blood there is. The hater may find it tense. They will not find it disgusting.
Shaun of the Dead is the British horror-comedy, on NOW, and the one most likely to be quoted at you for the rest of the week. It plays as a comedy for most of its running time and as a zombie film for the rest, which makes it the fairest single film on the list. Be warned that the last stretch gets genuinely nasty. It is still the easiest sell for the person who does not do horror.
The Substance is the one to be honest about. It is body horror, it is relentless, and it has been on iPlayer since 2 October and stays until 31 January, so it will still be there next month for anyone who loses their nerve. The fan will rate it the best thing here. The other one should not be talked into it. This is the point in the night where you separate for two hours and nobody takes it personally.
Practical Magic is the honourable mention, on Netflix, and the one to finish on together. It is a 1998 film about a family of witches, and it is spooky in the way a candle in a pumpkin is spooky. The sequel is only available to rent for now, so this is the one to stream. Put the kettle on and let it be the end of the evening.
Also worth knowing
Crystal Lake, the new Friday the 13th prequel series, arrives on Sky and NOW later in October. Sky has only said October, so check before you plan an evening round it. It is a slasher, and it is for the fan alone.
Three of the six are on iPlayer, which is the rare Halloween where the cheapest option is also a reasonable one. Halloween and The Substance are both there for months, and Ghosts is not going anywhere. If the household budget has already been spent on the heating, that is most of a night sorted.
So that is the night: take turns, put the strong stuff last and finish on something shared. When one of you hates horror, the trick is agreeing the order before the doorbell goes again, rather than hunting for one perfect film. If the two of you still cannot agree on anything, the app for couples deciding what to watch matches you on what you both said yes to, on the services you actually have. Available in New Zealand, Australia, the UK, and the United States.